Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
