Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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