I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
