like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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