you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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