I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
