oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
