college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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