Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
