My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This baby is an asshole
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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