you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
