No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
