oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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