i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She needs sedatives and a leash
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
