I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
