singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You peed on a flamingo?!?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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