shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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