I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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