I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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