9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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