just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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