Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
