please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
