i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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