I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
