Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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