Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
