Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
