12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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