i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
