I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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