Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
