Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
