tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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