Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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