If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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