The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
