96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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