I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
