1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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