They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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