So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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