I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
