I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
