dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
