his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
