fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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