dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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