I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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