Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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