you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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